BereavementBereavement

The loss of a loved one, especially of an immediate family member, is one of the most difficult experiences of a person’s life. However, all too often, the grief of those who have lost a sibling is minimized or even ignored by others, including health professionals. I have lost two brothers—one to suicide, one to a drunk driver—and can acknowledge that in many ways I was unable to fully express or receive validation of my grief. I found The Empty Room to be a cathartic and uplifting confirmation of my own personal experience and would highly recommend it to anyone who has endured a similar tragedy. Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn’s elegant exploration of the often overlooked issue of sibling grief draws on the death of her brother at age 17 years following a consuming 8-year struggle with aplastic anemia. She also uses as a basis for her ideas interviews with dozens of sibling survivors.

One of DeVita-Raeburn’s key points is that siblings are told that the loss is “not theirs to mourn.” The author relates that a well-meaning relative at her brother’s grave told her that she must be strong for her parents, failing to acknowledge her own crippling grief. I can describe a number of similar experiences of my own, as do the survivors the author has interviewed. As a result, sibling loss is often “frozen,” unacknowledged, and thus must find other, often less healthy ways in which to manifest itself, including depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, risky sexual behaviors, and even suicide.

The author compares siblings’ grief to that of the wives of Vietnam soldiers permanently “missing in action” or that of women who have had miscarriages. In each case, there is a loss, often profound, that goes unrecognized or unacknowledged by others. As a result, those who mourn have the double burden of loss and lack of support in their time of mourning. Often, parents are so disabled by their own grief that they are unable or unavailable to help their other children adequately deal with their grief. Even more damaging, such grief can make the remaining siblings feel as if the “wrong one—the favorite and indispensable one—had died” (p 28).

Yet the loss of a sibling can be every bit as profound, I would argue, as any other loss. And often the loss includes not only the loved one but also one’s shared past and very identity. As the author so eloquently describes, our identities are tightly bound with those of our siblings, and we tend to define ourselves by how we are both alike and different. To lose a sibling is to lose a part of who we are, and with such a loss comes the added pressure of “living for two,” of taking on the hopes and dreams of our parents for the one who was lost.

The author devotes several chapters to the unique stages of sibling grief, from disenfranchisement to claiming the loss as one’s own, reforming an identity, and the phenomenon she calls “carrying.” Sibling survivors, as I can attest, remember and reflect on their loss every day of their lives—no matter how many years have gone by. Thus, it is not surprising that the author has found that sibling survivors tend to find ways to “carry” the lost siblings forward into their present lives. Carrying can take many forms, whether running a marathon for cancer, achieving career goals, or writing a book. The grief that often goes unexpressed can find healthy and meaningful outlets as one continues along the journey of grief.

Some readers, particularly those who have not lost a sibling, may find the author slightly self-indulgent in describing her own experiences in the loss of her brother. However, to those who have lost a sibling, the candid description of the author’s experiences can provide fascinating parallels to their own loss. In working through her own experience of loss, DeVita-Raeburn helps to provide meaning and hope to others, articulating the complex torrent of emotions unleashed by the loss of someone so close.

I would highly recommend The Empty Room to health practitioners, including social workers and therapists, dealing with families who have lost a child. All of us need to acknowledge the unique tragedy and grief that accompany sibling loss and the often devastating consequences. Simply knowing that others have endured and survived can provide immense relief from the isolation that so often accompanies such bereavement. I found reading this book a tremendously emotional process, and resounding in the author’s experiences were echoes and affirmations of my own continuing journey of grief and healing.